The integrated male archetype
I have always been inspired by strong male role models who have worked on themselves to the point they have achieved a level of equilibrium in their personality & accepted themselves for all of who they are. Where they have a balance of power: warmth / autonomy: interdependency. However, this type of male is very hard to come by for many reasons… Lets begin to first discuss why men struggle embodying their male life-force.
The father wound
Unfortunately due to level of single parent families typically mums looking after boys, due to teachers being predominately female, in combination with irresponsible fathers not taking an active role in their sons life either by not spending time with their sons when their parents divorce (they maybe so narcissistic they punish the mother by not spending time with their sons or they overly obsessed with work / themselves ), kids get it that “whatever you love, you dedicate time too” so if you don’t give them loving attention, they get it they are not loved… Which creates a deep feeling of worthlessness in a child.
The father may have even past away. Especially within the sacred years of between 0-12 years old when the child is downloading their map of reality and is learning at such a rapid rate about themselves & the world. Often if a child’s parent passes away or parents become divorced between the years of 0-12 of age, the child is naturally very egocentric and views everything as there doing, they will often blame themselves for the separating or passing of a parent… This causes ‘toxic shame’. Which is a deep feeling of inadequacy that ‘I am not ok as I am’ + ‘if I am myself people will abandon, abuse or neglect me’. The abandonment traumas within the sacred developmental years give birth to the venomous corrosive toxic shame which brings a whole new host of issues…
Due to the paralysing effect toxic shame creates in our bodies emotionally, a child will begin to develop ‘ego defences’ or what I call ‘survival mechanisms’ to cope with the toxic shame & stress of the family unit. If a father is emotionally or physically absent, a child will then have to ‘over-function’ to keep the peace of the family unit e.g. look after mum & brothers + sisters. So now the child has to embody a ‘dysfunctional family system role’ which is an ‘adapted child role’ which is used to manage toxic shame + anxiety. Which takes the child away from his / hers authentic self…
In my article ‘chronic self-blame & forgiving abusers too rapidly’ I discuss all family system roles but for the purposes of this specific article I am to summarise two predominate ‘pseudo masculine roles’: ‘the nice guy’ & ‘the bad boy.’ The principles later discussed will be geared towards helping men who are more ‘nice guy’ in nature because this is the archetype I myself have struggled with the most & I am more comfortable correcting these behaviours based on they are things I have had to modify to become a more integrated male based on my own masculine development & spiritual journey. For a bit of fun I have labeled the nice guy ‘the white knight’, the bad boy ‘the dark knight’ & the integrated male ‘the king’.
The white knight: ‘Mr nice guy’ (the codependent)
So the nice guy is typically more sensitive, overly caring, typically overly bonded & ‘monogamous with his mum’, does haven’t many male friends and his masculinity is very tainted in feminine energy. Either because one of the following things have occurred:
- Dad was emotionally absent
- Dad was a narcissist & too self-absorbed to take care of his son & family
- Mum and dad got divorced when the nice guy was young
- Dad passed away when the nice guy was young (though I have seen more narcissistic men & women develop more from the passing of a father).
- Dad himself was a nice guy and mirrored nice guy behaviours to his son
The nice guy behaviours stem from feelings of insatiable neediness of wanting love he never got from both mum and dad when he was young. He was raised in a family where he had to primarily emotionally caretake his mum & sometimes dad. Which meant later down the road the nice guy was more comfortable within his feminine side. Classic nice guy habits are:
- Very used to caretaking everyone emotionally (total self-abandonment to take care of others. Opposed to ‘care giving’. Giving care whilst taking care of himself).
- Has very people pleasing habits & often supplicates to the people in his environment
- Typically he attracts narcissistic or mainly covertly narcissistic women because they only want to have someone please them without having to return it. Due to the nice guy falling for the overly sexual covert narcissistic woman who at first will idealise him, he will then go through a devaluation phase with her where she begins to shame him and make him doubt himself even more to the point he has to trust her opinion over his own & then finally disposes of him and get another nice guy to please her ego or go for a more dominant bad boy. Covert narcissistic personality disordered women are HIGHLY manipulative. They disguise everything they do & make the nice guy seem like the ‘bad one’. Be sure to read my article on ‘narcissistic courtship rituals’ for more on this topic.
- Has poor boundaries & lack self-assertiveness skills to get his needs met as he was never taught to stand up for himself. Social confidence + strong self-esteem in his family unit was banished from his perceptions and weren’t fostered because it would mean mum or dad missing out on gaining love they were dependent on from the nice guy.
- Compulsively says ‘yes’ & hyper-agreeable.
- Tries to gain women’s approval all the time because often was validated as he was from his mum and means him now seeking it outside himself.
- Everything above creates ‘a loss of a sense of self’ & an ‘extreme external locus of control’ where his self-esteem is gained through others validation of trying to reconfirm back to him his self-image of being a nice guy is ok.
- ***** Read more on this subject of the nice guy from the book: ‘No more Mr nice guy’.
The dark knight: ‘the bad boy’ (the narcissist)
Narcissistic personality disorder is more commonly found in men and as men we believe this is ‘true masculinity’ & narcissistic males are ‘true alpha males’… This is just mythology… Really in a way despite being very different from a nice guy & possesses more ‘dark masculine energy’ as opposed to the ‘light masculine energy’ of the nice guy, they still have an ‘extreme external locus of control’. I refer to them as ‘soul vampires’… They are HIGHLY manipulative people & extremely difficult to handle socially. HOWEVER, because women are biologically wired to be attracted to social confidence, dominance etc the narcissistic personality disordered indivduals hits the attraction switches of females very easily. However, they can only receive, they VERY rarely give at all… Their exterior coating Here are some characteristics to look out for:
- Use aggression rather than assertiveness (respects both parties while expressing needs).
- Can be highly emotionally abusive & physical violent
- Totally self-absorbed
- Has pathological envy with others who do better at him at something
- Has zero empathy
- Has a false self with he presents to the world as all-powerful
- Doesn’t show ‘weakness’ or softer emotional states at all costs
- Has an external locus of control. Forcing others to give him admiration for his forceful / dominant nature.
- Can’t handle any type of criticism without responding in rage or blameshifting.
- Wont respect your boundaries and will often test them again and again once he knows what they are
- Can’t be intimate with his partner as he will never show emotion willingly.
- Will never say sorry at all costs
- Any responsibility but on him or called out for any of these dysfunctional behaviours he will automatically rage or blameshift you & make it seem like youre just being ‘too sensitive’ or just something wrong with you.
- Has a warped sense of entitlement & thinks he deserves special treatment
- Has a warped of self-importance (pathological pride).
- Rarely gives to his partner and expects her to be his servant or parent.
- Notorious for being sexually promiscuous with a lot of women at once when in a relationship.
- Addicted to power, status and control
- Does all of these behaviours to hide their toxic shame & emptiness.
As you can see, this is hardly honourable manhood or healthy masculinity by any means… Both Mr nice guy & the bad boy are just that. A guy & a boy… Both archetypes are immature expressions of masculinity. Mainly because at the reactor core of both personality styles is toxic shame & low self-esteem or NO self-esteem and are constantly on the search for an ‘outside reach for inside security’…
Peter Pan syndrome
As described above both personality styles are very dependent on outside sources of validation used as compensation for their low self-esteem & toxic shame. Both personality styles in guys for these reason produces ‘lost boys’ & within their ‘immature masculine’ stages of development. They ‘never wanna grow up’.
Return of the king
The paradigm-shift out of the hero / villain model is to transition into your ‘evolving masculine’ state. Archetypal wise I refer to the ‘integrated male’ as ‘the king’ in relation to the other archetypes. Of course are many forms of the masculine but just to fit the context of white & dark knights, the king archetype transcends the knights tale a boy lives out until he chooses to evolve into his authentic masculinity. Personal I don’t think you can reach a heightened level of masculinity without a high level of personal development. In most cases, this more of a process of ‘unveiling’ & ‘dissolving’ more so than solely just behaviour modifying. Some guys really need to do a lot of emotional healing work to reach their authentic masculine energy.
Now lets begin to integrate more masculine principles into your current personality to help you become more emotionally healed, more confident, attract the women you desire & live life more fully. Lets begin.
30# principles of masculine polarity
- Start to gain an internal locus of control
- Make your life mission your primary goal over everything
- Cultivate indestructible self-belief
- Join forces with other men to amplify your masculine energy
- Lead by example & be willing to lead with boldness in intimate relationships
- Be the embodiment of stillness
- Derive state from within
- Utilise your decisiveness
- Authority over domination
- Exemplify pride in your body language
- Honour your word
- Assume attraction, value & familiarity with a woman you desire
- Pass your partners or a potential lovers confidence tests
- Take courageous action daily towards that which challenges you
- Maximise your bodies strength
- Develop a commanding vocal tonality
- Generate an abundant mindset
- Be in a state of self-amusement over approval seeking
- Strive to gain as much autonomy as possible
- Give only from your overflow
- Develop a growth mindset
- Rather than ‘fix’ your partner, give her love
- Trust your instincts (go with your gut) but also be brave enough to ask questions
- Be uncompromisable in your moral values & relationship deal-breakers.
- Cultivate mastery through personal enrichment in your downtime (warriors create themselves).
- Ensure your partners safety within her presence & when she travels from you.
- Enter her soul through intimate eye contact
- Practise dissolving into the present moment, especially with your partner.
- Courtship never ends. Flirt + take action throughout your relationship.
- If you prefer a longterm intimate relationship your potential girlfriend should be considered potential wife material. If not, the relationship is destined to fail in the short term.
Brief summaries of each principle
1 – Start to gain an internal locus of control:
Make your decisions stem from yourself. Make you your ‘mental point of origin’. Begin learning how to take care of your needs first. Make this a high priority. It takes some getting used to. This is the opposite mental focus to working from ‘I work out what others think & would like me for, then make my decisions accordingly’. Begin to check in with yourself by saying “what do I want right now?”.
2 – Make your life mission your primary goal over everything:
Classic mistake with guys is they either fall into directionless behaviour or they make there partner there purpose because of their neediness. Your partner would appreciate you having your own life & she can join you on your quest for freedom & intrinsic fulfillment. To the point she knows you can be independent without her. Often your partner might even test you to see how committed you are to your purpose. Commit 100% to your life purpose. Watch your tendency to not take care of your health with this principle. Prioritise your health to the point you can maximise your commitment to your life purpose.
3 – Cultivate indestructible self-belief:
Refuse to be uncertain with yourself. Know your value is inherent at all times and all circumstances & is ever-evolving inside of you. Believe in yourself no matter what. To the point you’re ‘certain within your perceived wrongness’. Believe you can do anything you desire long as you’re willing to put all your effort behind it. Be impenetrable to peoples criticism.
4 – Join forces with other men to amplify your masculine energy:
A tendency for more sensitive men is to spend all their time with women. If you’re a nice guy it can further reinforce pleasing types of behaviours. Totally fine to spend time with women but by being around men as well you hone in on your more masculine tendencies and less likely to people please with guys because they will call you out on it. You can give your sensitive side a rest and let it regenerate for your partner.
5 – Lead by example & be willing to lead with boldness in intimate relationships
Classic mistake ‘dark knight’ bad boys make is they don’t lead by example and ‘white knight’ Mr nice guys don’t lead within relationships at ALL. As a nice guy use yourself as to set the tone to men around you and within a relationship offer your partner your masculine gift to lead the direction of the relationship. Be very clear in your leadership with your partner. When asking your partner on a date organise a day, time, place, possible reccomend food to try for her you know she will enjoy when with her. You’re ‘the man with the master plan’. Organise things to the point she just has to join you and show up. Don’t force her to make loads of decisions because you’re being lazy or because you don’t know what to do… It conveys a lack of confidence, self-doubt and a follower mentality.
6 – Be the embodiment of stillness:
Practice poised equilibrium & composure. You don’t need to be robotic… Just strive not to be as effected by your environment. Notice your tendencies to fidget. Excessive fidgeting in a man is typically a sign of nervous energy and can sometimes turn a woman off. Focus on deep breathing in your conversations & doing your healing work in your downtime. Ever-flowing motion is more of traditionally feminine principle. You want to be like an oak tree grounded within your reality, centred, present moment focused, and immovable amongst chaos in your proximity. “True power is stillness within motion.” – Lao Tzu
7 – Derive state from within:
Make your self-esteem your major source of your happiness not your partner, family or friends affirming you. Self-esteem implies its self-generated. Slowly begin the process of removing your addictive tendencies to seek esteem outside yourself for relief, emotional comfort, safety and validation. This maybe through emotional eating, social media or only having your confidence around certain friends. Have all your power be derived from you. Lower your tendencies to leech off of your social environment for fuel. Self-validation & positive reframing negative beliefs + situations is a powerful tool here. You might have to do a considerable amount of grieving your childhood losses before your overall levels of addictiveness is lowered.
8 – Utilise your decisiveness:
Get in the habit of making decisions for yourself. This will be become a transferable skill which will then be embodied with your partner. Decisiveness is an extension of leadership & confidence. It conveys to others you trust your opinion & intuition & others trust you more.
9 – Authority over domination:
A lot of ‘bad boys’ use aggression to communicate boundaries and disrespect people who even give them helpful feedback… Passive Mr Nice guys get walked all over and don’t have ANY boundaries because they don’t even know what a boundary is… Mr Nice guys where never taught to impose their will to defend their dignity in childhood and if anything their boundaries were totally obliterated when they were young by disrespecting parents who instilled a sense of worthlessness in them & shamed them for standing up for themselves… This normalised abuse for them and just think disrespect is normal part of living… The golden mean between aggressiveness and passiveness is ‘assertiveness’. This is where someone directly tells you what specific behaviour they don’t like you doing around them (without interpretations like “you’re pathetic”), how it makes them feel, what you prefer them to do around you & reinforce this request with a consequence. Read my article titled ‘lines in the sand’ for information on this.
10 – Exemplify pride in your body language:
Put purpose in your walk. Stand as tall as you can. Feel proud of yourself for being you. As an honourable man you are highly valuable in society. Scientific studies indicate healthy pride (not arrogance) is the number one most attractive emotion in men. So take advantage of it. Also in walking tall and proud of who you are you enhance your confidence more rapidly than trying to think your way there. Changing your physiology boosts your mentality by short-circuiting your anxiety & enhancing your certainty.
11 – Honour your word:
This is a very masculine habit. It cultivates trust with your peers and especially with your partner. When you don’t keep promises, you lose respect because you’re out of integrity. People begin not to trust you.
12 – Assume attraction, value & familiarity with a woman you desire:
Don’t excessively seek validation with a girl you like because it telegraphs a lot of interest too soon and can be needy, overwhelming & will embarrass her. Don’t act like she is your girlfriend before she is. Can be very socially uncalibrated. Paradoxically pretend as if you already know her. Express your authentic desire with an honest compliment but after that speak to her like someone you have known for a long time so avoid trying to gain approval. Another word for ‘attraction’ is ‘value’. Assume she is already attracted to you and notice your confidence change. As a result, you drop actively seeking gaining her attraction & actually amplify her attraction through your desire for her. Assume you’re good enough as a man as you are right now for any woman. Generating confidence in yourself by assuming attraction, triggers attraction in women.
13 – Pass your partners or a potential lovers confidence tests
Often times consciously and unconsciously your partner or potential lover may ‘shit test’ and try to trigger you or go over your boundaries to see if you set boundaries with her. She wants to ‘feel your strength’ & know you can assert yourself so she can feel protected. If she feels you can’t protect yourself against her, then how will she know you can protect her or yourself from outside danger? Sometimes try not to take what she says so seriously… Learn to joke certain things off but be firm at other times.
14 – Take courageous action daily towards that which challenges you:
As a confidence building strategy move daily with bravery in pursuit of what sets both your soul on fire and what challenges your masculine core. This will result in tackling bigger obstacles down the road and accomplishing heightened levels of success.
15 – Maximise your bodies strength:
I highly reccomend guys either doing weight training, body weight circuits, martial art or anything form of activity primary for your own health. Ideally muscle building activity rather than only cardio because it will help cultivate a masculine presence & as strong athletic looking physique. In addition to training clean up your diet. As a qualified nutritionist and personal trainer I have to say this but also it will give you more energy, improve your mood & help your body recovery more from hard training.
16 – Develop a commanding vocal tonality:
Typical for Mr nice guys is they get quiet when their toxic shame is running high & their anxiety is astronomical. They may often lower their voice to not draw attention to themselves out of fear of judgement. So I reccomend raising your voice more whilst making eye contact. ‘Speak THROUGH your listener’ & demand attention.
17 – Generate an abundant mindset:
There is over 7 billion on planet Earth with over 3 billion women. Don’t fear losing your partner to excessive degrees or at all. Girls can apply this principle with guys too. If you’re not fulfilled in a relationship, leave it early. If you adore your partner excessively you may put yourself in a ‘scarcity mindset’ were your behaviours stem from the fear of losing your partner. This makes a person excessively text or call or excessively give to their partner out of fear of losing them… This ultimately turns your partner off… Ultra neediness in man is a highly anti-attractive quality in a man because it conveys you NEED your partner for your source of happiness & can’t self-support yourself. Conveys a lack of self-love & confidence. WANT her, don’t NEED her. Know you have the attractiveness & confidence to go out with any woman (or if you’re a girl reading this a man) & nobody is ‘out of your league’. Let your actions stem from love rather than a place of fear in relationship. Typically gets a attention from a girl for the first time he may enter scarcity. Even if there is one girl you’re obsessing over, know that there are very similar girls out there as well if things don’t work out. If you’re not growing together, you’re growing apart. A breakup isn’t a reflection of your self-worth… Just means you get to love yourself even more now & find a potentially better suited partner for yourself. Don’t believe the hype in love stories & romantic movies confessing ‘she is the ONE’. No.
18 – Be in a state of self-amusement OVER a state of approval seeking:
Rather than seeking anyones approval, do things to entertain yourself first. This makes you less dependent on an outcome and lowers your social neediness for reassurance & desire to be liked by everyone (which is totally unrealistic). This way you’re in a ‘play frame’ rather than hustling to gain to acceptance through the lens ‘work frame’.
19 – Strive to gain as much autonomy as possible:
Autonomy by definition means ‘freedom from external control’. Also another for for ‘independence’. Highly attraction quality in a man. Also will improve your self-esteem. Learn to support your yourself & get life together before a relationship.
20 – Give only from your overflow:
Classic Mr nice guy behaviour is to ‘give to get’. Rather, focus on building your self-esteem & happiness & then giving to others from an overflow joy rather than ‘an empty cup’. This is referred as ‘the oxygen mask principle’ e.g. on a plane they say “put your mask on before you help someone else”. Rather than being manipulative giving to receive and in turn depleting yourself.
21 – Develop a growth mindset:
Rather than having a ‘fixed mindset’ where you believe everything is the way its suppose to be, applying effort to something would mean you’re not ‘perfect’ or would mean you’re unintelligent because you have to try hard to achieve something… Develop a ‘growth mindset’ where you believe ‘through effort everything can improve’. This will make you not afraid to fail & instead you will keeping failing and trying again until you’re victorious.
22: Rather than ‘fix’ your partner, give her love:
Classic guy mistake when your partner is ventilating her issues is say “well just do A + B + C.” Rather than give her advice (which she probably won’t take anyway), listen empathically and remind her you care for her. Can be annoying to a woman when she has a lot of stuff on her chest and you cut the conversation short and begin giving her a ton of logic when she just wants to be listened too…
23: Trust your instincts (go with your gut) but also be brave enough to ask questions
Learn to trust your inner-wisdom & think for yourself. Your opinion of you is the most valuable opinion of you there is. Rather than asking for anyone else’s opinion because you are riddled with self-doubt. However, at the same time don’t always assume everything about your partner. Learn to be curious about her and ask questions. Genuine curiosity for her lowers your neediness. Be sure to listen to the answer to understand your partner better.
24: Be uncompromisable in your moral values & relationship deal-breakers:
Integrity is a cornerstone of healthy masculinity. Start developing rules to govern yourself by and develop non-negotiable relationship deal-breakers which you will not comprise on and will actually force you to cut a relationship off if your partner disobeys your wishes or if your current lover is not a compatible match for you.
25: Cultivate mastery through personal enrichment in your downtime (warriors create themselves):
Develop a high degree of competency in a particular skill set. Let this be something you can use to further boost your self-esteem and can facilitate you in your life purpose and can provide you with skills which will help you better serve to the world.
26: Ensure your partners safety within her presence & when she travels from you:
Know your boundaries & practice assertiveness skills before a relationship. Protect your partner from creeps who may try to hit on her using assertiveness not aggression. Aggressiveness will only escalate conflict… Say to her as she leaves you ‘text me when you’re back safe’. She will respect you more for caring for her welfare.
27: Enter her soul through intimate eye contact:
‘Eyes are windows to the soul’. Excessive wavering eye contact shows a lack of confidence. Practice looking at others to show respect to them. Good eye contact conveys power, signifies healthy dominance & social intelligence.
28: Practise dissolving into the present moment, especially with your partner:
Avoid your tendency to get in your head so much with your partner. This can be a sign of self-doubt and can convey a lack of confidence if done excessively. Also being present will help lower anxiety if you keep rehearsing negative situations in your head. You might need to execute doing intense inner-critic work overtime to achieve this.
29: Courtship never ends. Flirt + take action throughout your relationship:
Always be proactive in your relationship. Like when you see an old couple still flirting when they are 80 years of age, practice this same philosophy in action in your intimate relationships. DON’T GET LAZY. The same things that attracted your partner in the beginning are the very things you need to maintain, grow & add onto in order excel in your relationship with excellence.
30: Date with purpose to achieve your most prosperous longterm intimate relationship. A girlfriend should be considered potential wife material. If not, the relationship is destined to fail in the short term:
By all means practice these principles with women and get a feel for what you want in a relationship and improve your confidence sure, but don’t fall into the pattern of sleeping around to fill your vortex of emptiness… Take care of your health, improve your confidence, create or join a masculine tribe and focus on your life mission. So then your partner can join you in your life experience rather than she becomes your ENTIRE life experience with nothing else to fall back on. She is instead part of your life, not ALL of it. She wants to know you can be independent without her. A girl and sex should NOT be ever your number 1# priority… This is boy psychology… This premise of this final principle is to think more long term. If you chase the dopamine highs of sex and partners who don’t really fully embody what you desire in a woman, then the relationship is destined to fail from the very beginning… Know what you want in a relationship before you enter a relationship. Still work on yourself & practice your communication skills with girls but don’t settle for something which isn’t well suited to you.
Whether you’re a guy or girl reading this, and have enjoyed this article, be sure to share this blog post to a guy you know who would benefit from it.
Go forth wherever you may roam & may your power be legendary
From your neighbourhood friendly coach
Joshua Leo Stuart